As I read the news the other day Gilda Radner (may she rest in peace) and Chevy Chase came to mind.  Were they still on Saturday Night Live I think Weekend Update would go a little something like this.

Chevy Chase:    Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present opposing viewpoints. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella:    What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about a picture of a black hoe?  Why…black hoes are everywhere.  Just go into any Lowes and you’ll see dozens of black hoes hanging on a wall.  Every good gardener has a black hoe in their garage.

       Chevy Chase:     Miss Litella, Miss Littella…

Emily Litella:    Why spend all this money setting up fancy telescopes and computers all over the world just to take a picture of a black hoe?

Chevy Chase:      Miss Litella…

Emily Litella:      What?

Chevy Chase:      The editorial was about black holes. In outer space.  Not black hoes.

Emily Litella:       Oh…that’s different! Never mind.

How do I associate black holes with Emily Litella?  When faced with potential threats my mind tends to use bizarre coping methods.  Black holes are kind of menacing so I guess my mind shifted to free association.

Anyway, should I consider adding black holes to my already extensive worry list, a list that ranges from serious to the ridiculous?

I worry about climate change, and our democracy, and I worry over which shade of white I should paint a wall.  I worry about cancer and declining bee populations and I worry if Alejandro Aranda will get enough votes to stay on American Idol.  I worry about the ultimate demise of bookstores and movie theaters and I worry about the shock of putting on a bathing suit after a long, cold, calorie loading winter. (I told you….from the serious to ridiculous.)

What worries me about black holes? One word….

SPAGHETTIFICATION

I’m not making this up! It is a scientific term created by Stephen Hawking in his book, A Brief History of Time.  Spaghettification is what happens to you should you get too close to a black hole.  Theoretically as the black hole sucks you in, it stretches your body out like a long, thin piece of pasta.  What a great way to go, right?

As I added being spaghettified to my worry list my mind once again shifted into coping mode.  I began singing a Jimmy Buffett song.

The universe is runnin’ away
I heard it on the news just the other day
There’s this new stuff called dark energy
We can’t measure and we can’t see

It’s some elemental mystery
A train that we can’t catch
But our heads are in the oven
And somebody’s ’bout to strike a match

Maybe it’s all too simple
For our brains to figure it out
What if the hokey pokey
Is all it really is about?

What’s that?  Dark energy is the opposite of a black hole?

“Oh…that’s different! Never mind.”

What’s a boomer to do?  If you find yourself in deep space this week dive towards the smallest black hole you can find.  Smaller holes have less gravitational force so you may be spared and merely become rigatoni-fied!

New York Times, StarDate and How Stuff Works