The first sentence in Google’s “Terms of Use” should warn the Google-er that typing a question into the little white box may very well render answers the User really does not want to know.   But Google assumes no responsibility or moral obligation to protect Users from themselves.  

I am fully aware that Google likely knows much about my personality, preferences and quirks.  I assume they have figured out that I am a spiritual sort, a moderate, a sensitive creature, and an animal lover.  So the other day when I typed in “do cows have besties” Google could have been gentler with their results.   They could have tried to save me from myself and tried to throw me off course by asking,

Did you mean “do cows have breasts?”

But no almighty Google, without literally one second of hesitation offered me eleven million, seven hundred thousand results to my query in exactly .050 seconds.  That’s right, nearly twelve million links including academic bovine studies, farming articles, and pictures of cows.  (Was it really necessary to include a picture of Borden’s Elsie the cow?)  And now I may be having a Google induced existential mini crisis.

I now know things I cannot un-know.  I know cows do indeed have besties.

I know cows often choose their friends when they are calves.  When allowed to stay together these calves remain friends over their lifetime.   Most cows choose one bestie but sometimes they hang with two or three.

I have learned that cows living a free range lifestyle tend to spend more than 50% of their time with their friends, often sleeping next to each other and even cuddling.  They vocalize distinctly, uniquely between one another with special friend to friend ‘com-moo-nications’. 

They tell each other jokes like:  “Why do cows have hooves?  Because they lactose.” (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.  Cow jokes were in the Google results.)

I now know that when cows are physically close to their besties they are relaxed, produce more milk, and are more successful at breeding.   When in stressful situations, cows situated directly next to their compadres stay physically calmer, maintain lower heart rates and release far less stress hormones than cows facing stress without friends nearby. 

I cannot un-know that when farmers divide herds and separate best buddies, cows will attempt and usually succeed at making new friends.  But if reassigned to new herds more than three or four times, without their friends, the cows become despondent, giving up on friendship forever.  They become loners.

At the risk of anthropomorphizing cows, it seems to me bovine buddies and people friends are very similar.  For example, given the opportunity I would definitely spend 50% of my time with my besties.  And I don’t know about you, but just like unique vocalizations shared between cow friends, my voice also takes on a unique quality when talking to my friends.  It is lighter, truer, and joy filled.

I have also been with friends during times of stress.  Friends help calm nerves and tenderly uplift your soul.  I don’t know if friends helped me produce more milk when I had babies, but hey, I never measured it, so who knows? 

Statistically, older humans who lose close friends also withdraw into depression.  Studies have shown that friendships are far more important to the elderlys’ mental health than family ties. Evidently just like cows.

So here I am a lifetime member of Club Omnivore thinking I may never again be able to devour a hamburger or grill a steak guilt-free.  And now, with all this bovine info I can never un-know, I may have to become a Pollo-Pescetarian.

At least chickens, shrimp and salmon don’t make friends, right? 

I guess I’ll have to Google it.

What’s a boomer to do?  First, always respect the power and grace of friendship.  Second, never ask Google or a real person any question unless you are 100% ready for the answer.  Because some things you can never un-know.