Having accepted that I need a new “age appropriate” bike I went to my local bike store. (Click here to read how I came to this realization.)
Salesperson: Hey there. What can I help you with today?
Me: Hi. I’m shopping for a new bike.
Salesperson: Great! Let me show you this one. (He pulls a bike out from the rack) My mom, down in Boca, has this one. She loves it. Want to take it for a spin?
(Boca? Yes, Boca…as in Boca Raton, Florida…the senior citizen capital of North America! The saddle on this bike was as wide as a love seat. It had no gears. Its tires were bigger than a Mini Cooper’s.)
Me: Well, thanks, but I think I’ll just look around.
Rider down! My pride just got run over by an old lady bike. I went home to window shop online.
First I checked out mountain bikes.
With names like Alpine and Wildcat I knew immediately I didn’t want a mountain bike. I do not currently, nor will I ever, have any intention to pedal over small hills let alone mountainous terrain. I was momentarily tempted by one named Rip Curl-it sounded kinda gnarly dude.
How about a cruiser? Hey-I like to cruise!
Well guess what. Cruisers have one speed relative to how fast your little legs can pedal. And the ability to stop on a dime depends on how fast you can slam your foot in reverse. Well, kiss my rear tire!
I’d buy a Cruiser if I could travel back to 1968. I’d put on my flower-power pedal pushers, slip into my white canvas Keds and cruise over to Burger Chef to hangout with my Stingray riding friends.
Cruisers do have cool names like Beachcomber, Commuter, and Hampton Vintage. I’m guessing the one called Good Vibrations plays a Beach Boys medley if you pedal fast enough. ‘Ixnay on the Cruiserays’.
What is a comfort bike?
Comfort bikes are to cycling what Naugahyde recliners are to interior design. They promise comfort and control and style (?). One description promised,
“Wherever you go, be seen. It’s more than a great ride it’s a style statement.”
I suppose it is a style statement to ride a bike tricked out with a Vera Bradley fabric-lined basket. One comfort bike manufacturer almost suggested that you wear your June Cleaver pearls when riding this bike. Just not my style.
Cruiser color options are largely limited to neutrals. Because I am your friend, I promise you that a bike frame painted “Channel Beige-Blush” will definitely make your butt look big. Speaking of butts, cruisers also feature cushioned, quick release seats. Is a quick release seat on a bike a good thing?
One last option-the hybrid.
Hybrids are a cross between mountain and road bikes. The first Hybrid I researched was The Gateway. Gateways seldom lead to a better place. What happens after this bike? Do you gateway into a wheelchair or adult tricycle? Pass on that one.
But, hybrids do typically have thinner tires, lighter, sleeker frames, multiple gear options and hand breaks. With names like The Clarity 1, Wayfarer and Discover, they at least elude to the possibilities of adventure.
Well, adventure is what I am seeking so I guess I’ll look to buy a hybrid. I’ll keep you posted.
What’s a boomer to do? Take this paraphrased advice from Dylan Thomas.
“Do not pedal gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against buying that frickin’ Boca bike!”
